Groundhog day

We need to kill all the groundhogs in the world because they are secretly taking over. I discovered this recently when I saw my dog beamed onto what looked like a giant groundhog-faced spaceship, then upon returning he started barking pro-groundhog phrases. It kind of reminded of that whole communist Russia thing, only Stalin was less cuddly and heart-warming. So, I have been thinking about how we stop this revolution and put an end to their secret tyranny. Remember the saying “the best defence is a good offence”? Well, let’s rid the world of these monsters once and for all. Here are my three methods of gaining the upper-hand.

First of all, we could send a secret coded groundhog message saying that all groundhogs are to meet in a spaceship for an important plan of attack. Then once they have all entered the spaceship we blast them to the moon. The main drawback is that they are evil little critters and could use the moon as a base to carry out their plan.

Secondly, we could round them up military style and do some ethnic-cleansing. This would take rigorous planning and secrecy between government officials so the groundhogs wouldn’t catch wind of the plan and hide. Unfortunately, this has been done before (Hitler) and some people might see this as unethical, especially tree-huggers and animal lovers. If necessary we could kill them too.

The last possibility would be to sign a truce with the leader. This truce could be signed by all the governments of the world to show intentions of peace so the groundhogs wouldn’t attack any countries that were not on the agreement. The main problem I can see with this solution is that groundhogs are natural liars and would definitely break the truce in time.

In conclusion, I think that any one of these three solutions could work if followed through correctly. I personally would opt for option 2 but I am sure some readers find this solution too aggressive and would prefer a peaceful action plan like a truce. But, whichever solution is selected we must act quickly, they are dangerous and ready for action. Let’s proclaim a new groundhog day!