Groundhog day

We need to kill all the groundhogs in the world because they are secretly taking over. I discovered this recently when I saw my dog beamed onto what looked like a giant groundhog-faced spaceship, then upon returning he started barking pro-groundhog phrases. It kind of reminded of that whole communist Russia thing, only Stalin was less cuddly and heart-warming. So, I have been thinking about how we stop this revolution and put an end to their secret tyranny. Remember the saying “the best defence is a good offence”? Well, let’s rid the world of these monsters once and for all. Here are my three methods of gaining the upper-hand.

First of all, we could send a secret coded groundhog message saying that all groundhogs are to meet in a spaceship for an important plan of attack. Then once they have all entered the spaceship we blast them to the moon. The main drawback is that they are evil little critters and could use the moon as a base to carry out their plan.

Secondly, we could round them up military style and do some ethnic-cleansing. This would take rigorous planning and secrecy between government officials so the groundhogs wouldn’t catch wind of the plan and hide. Unfortunately, this has been done before (Hitler) and some people might see this as unethical, especially tree-huggers and animal lovers. If necessary we could kill them too.

The last possibility would be to sign a truce with the leader. This truce could be signed by all the governments of the world to show intentions of peace so the groundhogs wouldn’t attack any countries that were not on the agreement. The main problem I can see with this solution is that groundhogs are natural liars and would definitely break the truce in time.

In conclusion, I think that any one of these three solutions could work if followed through correctly. I personally would opt for option 2 but I am sure some readers find this solution too aggressive and would prefer a peaceful action plan like a truce. But, whichever solution is selected we must act quickly, they are dangerous and ready for action. Let’s proclaim a new groundhog day!

Rudolf the Redneck Raindeer: Get a Gun

Guns don´t kill people, people kill people. This is a statement that we have heard many times in defense to allowing people to run around freely with guns in their hands. And you know what? They are absolutely right. The constant ignorance of people who want to “protect” their children without machine guns or think that blowing somebody away randomly on the street is wrong is, frankly, ridiculous. Apparently, we as human beings have lost touch with reality and think that the peaceful answer is the right answer. Wrong! Everyone should carry a fucking weapon on them and I will tell you why.

                Firstly, we could shoot people who wind us up or we just don´t like. Imagine that neighbor who keeps stepping on your freshly planted flowers and doesn´t even apologize. You could walk straight up to his front door and put a fresh cap through his skull. That would teach him. Or that guy who cut you off in traffic on your way home to see your family. Well, he wouldn´t do that again. I think the world would benefit from these jerk-offs being dead or at least too scared to do something stupid.

                Second of all, building that dream bunker stacked to the nuts with end-of-the-world firearms would be absolutely a dream come true for many citizens. Just think how nice it would be to know that if aliens or the Chinese attack, you would have a safe place to bring your family and fight back when the time is right. You could even put a canon in the bunker pointing at a particular disliked place of interest. Moreover, IKEA would be able to take advantage of the popularity of newly built bunkers with things like zigzag-patterned gun racks. The economy is a disaster right now, and guns sell. Fact.

                Lastly, kids could play a more authentic game of cowboys and Indians with real-life shootouts. Don´t you remember when you played this game as a child and took at shot at Sherriff Billy but Billy claimed that you missed him and kept playing. Well with real guns we would know if Billy was shot or not because he wouldn´t be moving, or at least twitching from pain. Hell, if we had real guns available at every corner shop I could talk my friends into playing a little cowboys and Indians for old time sakes. Kids need to know the consequences of their actions and this is a way to show them some realism.  

In conclusion, you hippy types or those who have hippy friends who keep yapping about safety and humanity and how we shouldn´t carry weapons, you need to think of the positives: no more idiots, economy boost, more realistic games. And if you still don´t agree you´ll be first on my list. Bang! Bang! YEEHAH!!!  

Being that Pisshead (pros and cons)

There are some people that find the best way to start their day is to pour themselves a nice tall glass of whiskey or a nice cold beer. Some of them in fact, carry a little travelling device in order to help them continue doing this throughout the day which in English is called a “flask”. Now I personally hate starting the day with a drink because it just makes me fall asleep but some people love it, maybe they even find it a way to express themselves. Who knows? Well I have had the pleasue of working in many bars when I was young in order to pay my tuition fees, so I have met many “lovers” of the sauce in my life. In this Bob the Meerkat blog I would like to take a look at the pros and cons of being, well you know, that “drunk guy”. I know this is a serious issue and many people may find this article offensive. So please, if you have a relative that is affected and your feel sorry for alcoholics, stop reading now. 

Honestly, if you live in Great Britain or a handful of other countries and have a love of the drink there are many advantages. Firstly, the government treats “alcoholism” as a serious disease even to the point that the “pissheads” get a payed-for place to live and a monthly salary. What I witnessed was the contrary to the assumed sad depressive life they live, sure there were some, but they took pride in waking up at 8, putting on a suit, and started a day with a nice cold pint. In fact, if it wasn´t for the fact that they were destroying their body from the inside, they seemed quite pleased to talk about football all day, harass the bartenders, and stumble home. Sometimes, one would pass away and they would hold something similar to an Irish“wake" and find another reason to raise their glass... Their mate's death!

Now, since a drug addiction is not a funny thing, I would like to talk about the cons of being an alcoholic. First of all, it destroys families. Whereas, some of the pissheads were alone and their loved ones had all passed away so their best source of company was other lonely football viewers, there was the type who had families, wives and children. Sometimes I witnessed wives or husbands of the alcoholics coming in to let go of a little steam and rant and rave at them for missing an important event. In fact, there was many who told stories about their loved ones who refused to speak to them on the grounds that they gave preference to the bottle, understandable really. Furthermore, what the drink does to someone´s body and mind is unbelievable. Now I have met some smackheads and pot-smokers in my time, but I don´t think there is anything that does such damage as excessive amounts of booze. They seem to lose all track of time, age, reality and tend to repeat themselves… everyday. At least a pothead brings a new story or two.

In conclusion, I guess it depends on the person and your perception of the situation. I know although alcoholism is not something to take lightly, I have met some fully functional happy drunks in my life. And in spite of the horrible damage it does to the body, is happiness not the important thing? Ask the old guy in the queue for a John Smiths and you´ll get your answer.  

Stupid Parents

I am absolutely sick of having students (I teach children) who are considered "low level" or just plain "stupid". This infuriates me because once you meet the parents you realize that the parents are the stupid ones, not the children. It´s a crime and it´s getting worse since parents seem to take less responsibility for their actions and pass the buck onto teachers and entertainment advices.

I see three main problems with current parenting and would like to address them and present some solutions. First of all, parents nowadays are buying tablets or video-consoles for their children instead of traditional things like books.  The result is that children can´t read or spell and develop a very short attention span. Furthermore, they make their children read as a form of punishment so children now see reading as something very negative. My solution for the problem is to implement a legal age for electronic devices and promote reading. However, people may see this as an attack against their freedom. Furthermore, they might not understand that tablets (etc) are dangerous to a child´s development and buy them electronic gizmos anyway. Secondly, it seems that parents are not fully educated on child development. My solution is to make a compulsory course for parents to inform them on the best way to raise a child. Unfortunately, parents might not take it seriously so one would have to think about the way to fine/punish the parents who don´t attend. Lastly, parents are always blaming teachers for the education of their child. I for one accept the responsibility of teaching vocab/tenses, etc. But there is only one/two people who can turn off the “idiot box” and make the kids do their homework. The parents.

Description of a Place

The best place that I have every visited was Innsbruck in the south of Austria. It is a city situated in the mountains in a region called Tyrol, which has a history of trying to separate. It has a large alpine zoo in the mountains which is reachable by walking up a trail or using the railcar. The zoo has a large variety of animals which can be found in the region, such as the great eagle and the groundhog.

Honestly, most likely because it is smack in the middle of Germany and Italy, it is the best city where I have ever eaten. One has the advantage of eating top quality steaks and fresh bread or trying fresh pasta, Käsespätzle being the typical dish of the region. Austria is not only famous for its coffee but its desserts are at a level that no other country can match. The assortment of Strudels, a backed pastry made with an egg dough filled with fruits (normally apples), is incredible and you can’t leave with out checking out the Sachertorte, a double chocolate cake with an rum/apricot marmalade in the middle.

The city has a lot of history and therefore it is easy to make your way around the museums and the sights. Probably the most incredible thing I saw was a light and sound history on King Maximilian in the historical church in the center.   

  

Rich Twats

Yesterday I went with my wife to a recently renovated restaurant not far from “El Corte Inglés” in Murcia. I don´t remember it´s name but it´s atmosphere and design was absolutely fantastic. Moreover, the seafood was the highlight on the menu and it was not to disappoint. They changed the name so unfortunately I don´t remember what it is called. Surprisingly enough, I will never go back. This may sound like a contradiction to the review I gave the food and the atmosphere, but I have a good reason. Next to us was a table of full of drunken twats making complete assholes of themselves.  First, they decided to talk about their pubic hairs that even resulted in the man talking about how hairy his 16 year daughter was. I almost threw up at that point. Then they moved on to giving the waiter a hard time in what they thought was English and German. Knowing the two languages, I almost wanted to turn around and tell them to “verpiss dich”/”fuck off” and leave the poor waiter to do his job. The funny thing was, the waiter spoke fluent in English because he lived in England and Canada. Finally, they started harassing a poor African who was selling stuff on the street. What almost made me turn around and smack the bitch in the teeth was when they started asking the poor black guy if he had Ebola. At that point, my wife went to talk with the waiter about their behavior. The waiter responded with a look of defeat in his eyes. “They´re my bosses”, he said. Needless to say, I left the poor waiter a huge tip and told him, “You deserve this for having to put up with these assholes”. At least we finally saw him smile.